toys....

I walk through the living room and it is laced with toys. They are tossed about once done being played with. I walk to the kitchen and what do I find? More toys. Chase's room is full of toys, my bedroom has toys and both bathrooms have bath toys. I am overjoyed to see those toys because it means that LIFE is running through my home. Those lives mean the world to me. I don't care that my house is a wreck with toys that are tossed about. I am glad that they are here and there. I am tempted to get down and play with the toys myself. I am grateful for what those toys bring to my life.

Kids...

It is amazing to me how time passes so quickly. It amazes me that 4 years can come and go and change has taken place. My big boy is now 4 and my big girl is now a year old. My heart holds them so dear and precious. I love my babies more than words and life could say. They are my treasures to be treasured.

Left Behind

Have you ever had a dream that totally made you re-evaluate yourself and take a close examination of your spiritual man? I dreamed last night that the rapture took place and I had been left behind. Even a dear friend, who I know is saved also was left behind. My kids were gone, my husband, mother and millions were all taken and yet, here I was in disbelief sitting in awe. I was so shaken. I know that Jesus is my savior and I know that in the event of the rapture, that I would go. It was just the fact that I had been left behind in my dream did I feel the need to examine my spirit man. Taking a close look at yourself in finding those secret sins, things you let yourself go on..back biting, backstabbing, gossip, anything…that might hinder your walk with God and not bring him glory. Well, needless to say, I was up in the wee hours of the morning, praying. Really praying to my heavenly father asking for forgiveness in places I failed. Asking to help me turn those areas around in my life that need help. Praying that He would make me a willing vessel in the places that I lack will, such as consistency in reading His word, in prayer and helping those in need.
I realize that I am a fake in so many areas of my life that I need God’s righteousness instead of my own haughtiness. Seeing the truth of myself is not a pretty thing that I care to acknowledge but a must in order to be clean and whole before God. I am not talking about self-condemnation but seeing me for the truth in order to let God clean me up. I go to Him as I am and He in His great loving kindness accepts me as I am and does a thorough cleaning in the way that only He can do. I am far from perfect and I never will be humanly. God is good and his mercy endures forever.

Broken

An overwhelming sense of loss crowds the right thinking of my mind. Though not in death, still there is a loss. It’s a loss of a friend, a confident, and a mom’s heart. There is a resemblance of a familiar picture with difference in character. A visual familiar stranger has overtaken all that is familiar in character. I look and recognize the outward image but I don’t recognize the inward image. My heart pounds with panic and I want to run. Run from the emotions that I am ashamed of. Blame and anger towards her fill me and yet I know with every part of me that it really isn’t her fault. She can’t help it. She wouldn’t have chosen this. Leaving this early in life in mind wasn’t part of her plan. The thought of not getting to know or forgetting the new little one is so devastating that the wholeness of me is shattered. So many times I question WHY? Even though I know I am fortunate to have had her for 40 years of my life. I tell myself that others have had their mothers for a lot less time. Yet the comfort that it should bring me doesn’t come. I am selfish because I want her. The person she once was. Now, only in body do I have her but not in mind. Only glimpses of her remain. Her eyes still light up around the babies. Yet a decisive defensiveness appears when I am near. While having an extremely bad day, I was deemed a granddaughter, even though I am her daughter. The cruelty of the illness is a bitter sting to my heart. I hate with all my heart the labels of Alzheimer’s and Dementia. Such a mean illness made worse with an early onset. She should be full of life. She should be enjoying her grandchildren. We should be planning trips and spending time together. How I long to snatch back times of the past to be carefree with her again. Enjoying life with her was a prime part of my life. I have seen the light of all she liked to do, fade out at a speed in which a light bulb burns out. Time that can’t be stopped or recaptured is all gone. I miss her more than she’ll ever know. I miss her with such deep longing that my heart aches from brokenness. I know where my strength lies and I look to God for help. I know I can’t make it through this deep valley alone. I want Him to carry me because I feel that my legs fail me. I feel like I will fall where I stand. I see in my weakness and weariness that God is truth and that He is the only way of survival. Even though my mom may forget me in time, her heart will always remember and one day, when we are standing in heaven together, we’ll rejoice in our reunion.

The blessing...

Just started reading this book "The Blessing". I so relate to it. For so long you yearn to be accepted and loved by people...having a blessing from your parents help get you there...however, if your parents weren't and aren't christians...missing out on a blessing can sure have a harsh effect on you with your relationships with others...and acceptance of yourself...I so recommend the book.

Favorite childhood memory

We went to visit Ashley the other night. We started to talk about childhood memories. I asked her what was her favorite childhood memory. She just shrugged her sholders and that was the end of it. Two days later, I was sitting at work and I received an email from Ashley. Apparently she had been thinking about it. Here is her email below. IT MADE ME CRY. I feel loved.

I thought about it, and my best memory isn’t just one. It’s many. It’s the fact of waking up, and always knowing that you would be there to help me make my new adventure for my day. It was knowing that you would always kiss my cuts and boo boos. Knowing that you would take care of me, and having complete child like faith in you. My favorite part of being little was having you as a best friend to play barbies, house, Mary and Sarah, playdough, puzzles, movies, hide and seek, the park, lake, and whatever else we could come up with to do. Knowing that you would pick me up from school, and start making dinner.

Sneaking me out of bed to the back room to watch a lifetime movie I really had to see, when dad was asleep. Having lullabies sung to me when I couldn’t sleep. Going to mother neff pretending to be Indians. Going to grandma’s to swim, and eat Mexican food. Going on mommy daughter dates where it was just you and me. Eating chocolate pudding while watch PJ sparkles. Making you watch me react PJ sparkles for you. Making you watch all my dances that I made up. Making you do just about everything that needed an audience.

Playing Miss Boss Mama. Trying to get the ball away from Shorty. Taking Shorty for rides in the car. Having you there to calm me down when shorty go hit by the bus. I remember when I looked all over the house because you promised that if I found a dollar you would take me to the lake. And then when I did, you had to keep your promise. Playing Mermaids. You listening to my pointless chatter.

When we would play the “would you love me if I was” game. Going to church, and getting dressed in my dressed and big girl shoes. Going to Kiddieland. Whenever we would go to the doctor and I would get a shot, you would tell me you would beat up the nurse or get Grandma to sick them. Our trips with me you and Grandma to Mathis. How we made fun of how many dogs grandma would get each time she got a new one. How you would get crunk on teachers if they messed with your baby girl. How we would hide in the closet or pretend to be asleep when daddy came home from work.

You went to all of my school recitals. You never missed on. You ordered every school picture, yearbook, and phone directory. My first and last slumber party was all up to you to host. The first time you introduce me to silly puddy. How we always used to go to the Corner Store and got candy after school. When we got pickles, we both agreed speegleville store had the best, and I always had to measure the pickles to get the biggest one.

I remember a lot about my child hood. I miss it, and I miss the fun we used to have when I was little.

I love you

Ashley Hill

Premier Solutions Division

A little behind....

I haven't posted anything for the month of JUNE. There has just been so much going on that I haven't even taken the time.

I find I am going to be a grandma in January of 2011. My daughter is pregnant. She has had some issues with urinary tract infection. Now that it is under control, I pray the rest of the pregnancy goes smoothly. I am thrilled but at the same time feel a little young to be a grandma. I'll get over it.

Chase has been going through potty training. He is doing a wonderful job. We have peeing down it is just getting him to poop.

Chad, my husband is good. He is busy as ever. It seems we stay on the move constantly. Work has picked up temporarily (I HOPE IT LAST OR EVEN GOES BACK TO NORMAL).

We got a new edition to the family. He is a little tom cat, named SPROUT> He is such a playful thing that he gets rather annoying at times. He doesn't mean to be rough but for goodness sakes..>He is a terrorist. He strikes when you least expect it!

My mom is doing ok. She has been diagnosed a couple of years back with Alzheimer's and dementia. She has good days and bad. She seems to have a whole different personality. More mild than anything. She loves to go garage selling although it can be confusing for her at times in dealing with money. I do help her but let her do most of the handling as to give her dignity.
She is still the best mom in the world that ANY kid would be lucky to have!

Well, this doesn't begin to cover all our happenings but it is a tidbit. Until next post..GOD BLESS